The Adventures of Fred and Flossie
by Eilidh17
Summary: Kidfic!  Daniel and Vala have been downsized to six year olds and are under the care of Jack.  Both kids are semi-aware, meaning they have some memories of their adult lives.  Chaos ensues... as it does with these two no matter the age.
1. Chapter 1

Carter once told me, or perhaps I saw it in some documentary, that there is no noise in space, and, not ever having had the chance to test that theory, I guess I had to believe it was true. But park an Al'kesh above my house in idle, and there's no mistaking the honkin' space baby breaking the local decibel by-laws while it tried to whisk my kids away.

Ba'al likes to think he's one step ahead of the game, especially since Oma went all glowy on Anubis' ass and essentially handed over the snake's domain to another equally as nasty, though well-dressed, power monger. Along with Anubis' troops, territories, and galactic wannabe status, Ba'al also inherited the information stolen from Thor… most especially the 'how to' guide on the building and using of an Asgard cloaking device. Good job, too, as it only left the US Military having to explain the ear-piercing noise and near cyclonic winds that bore down on Chez O'Neill at o-dark-hundred hours two nights ago, instead of the whole 'aliens are coming' scenario they've been denying for decades. Conspiracy theorists not withstanding.

However, this isn't the first time some bozo has tried to run away with the Bobbsey Twins.

A few months back, Daniel and Vala, now affectionately known as Flossie and Freddie, took a chance at a second childhood when they were invited drink from a chalice that purportedly held the last drops of water from the Fountain of Youth. Daniel was pretty sure it was safe because the liquid was always refilled at the end of the yearly ritual-used mainly by that world's inhabitants to seal trading agreements and wedding nuptials-but Carter wasn't given enough time to do a field analysis of the liquid. Moments later, amid ooh's and aah's from the locals, and with the trading treaty well and truly signed, sealed and shrunk, the remaining adults of SG-1 were left to scoop up their now six year old teammates and dump them in Lam's capable hands.

Ah, Carolyn Lam.

I knew who I was hiring when I… hired her, but I didn't know about her temper and extensive repertoire of words that would make a drunken sailor blush. Fortunately, she hemmed her temper when checking out the kids, but boy did she let loose when her office door was closed. Now, being tucked up nice and cosy in my swanky digs in Washington, I knew nothing about this 'small' turn of events until the SGC grapevine caught up with me, oh… about 30 seconds after the wormhole closed down.

Walter, bless his USAF socks, zipped me a coded memo once Landry had left the control room, and a quick call to Odyssey had me beaming down in the infirmary before the team had even arrived there.

God bless the Asgard for their beaming technology.

Someone demote the airman in charge of the using the damn equipment, and who had me beamed into a locked cupboard full of tongue depressors and IV bags. If I wasn't so worried about Daniel, I would have been amused for hours!

The ensuing conversation with Lam still has me smirking.

"_General."_

"_Doctor."_

"_What are you doing in my supply cupboard?"_

I tried to hide the IV bag I was having a tactile affair with. _"This is your supply cupboard?"_

"_A long way from Washington, aren't you?"_

"_Ah, yes… long story. In about a minute your infirmary will be turned into a nursery."_

"_A nursery?"_

"_Sure! Why don't you sound convinced?"_

It was about then that the kiddie train rolled into town in the shape of two wailing banshees and their bedraggled entourage. Lam tossed me a look that told me a long explanation would be called for later. Thankfully, she's not the torturer in charge of my physicals… oy!

Carter looked worried; I could tell by the mouth slightly open, wide-eyed look she was sporting. That, and she had her little handheld doohickey trained on the kids like there was something it was trying to tell her. I call it grasping at straws.

Mitchell looked far worse, but probably due to the fact that he was holding onto Vala for dear life. Slimier than a freshly caught fish, she thrashed about in his arms, eventually biting his hand in a last ditch attempt to break free. It worked. Mitchell swore, Vala stopped wriggling long enough to be suitably surprised by the words that slipped out, but just long enough to take advantage of the situation and slide to the floor. Fortunately, Teal'c caught her by the scruff of the neck while Mitchell was composing himself.

Daniel, on the other hand, was riding piggyback style on Teal'c's back and squealing with delight; one arm raised about his head and thrashing about like he was riding a bronco bull.

"_Giddy-up, horsie!"_

One hand on Vala, the other behind his back and trying to hold Daniel up, Teal'c looked kinda brow-beaten, which was apt because his eyebrows, generally so very animated, had rose past his hairline and disappeared completely.

He was clearly not amused.

So, back to the kidnappings.

It was the Al'kesh incident that put paid to me playing Richard Bobbsey and raising these two kids in what a thought would be as close to a normal family situation as we could find. The spooky thing was-and probably the final decider in me moving them to the mountain-Daniel actually knew there was an Al'kesh parked above our roof, despite it being cloaked. Vala, rather amused by the whole situation, tapped her lip in idle thought and engaged Daniel in a conversation over which Goa'uld was coming to take them and whether they should they pack their pajamas and toothbrushes. They traded suggestions, arguing at times, and both concluded with affirmative nods that it had to be Ba'al, and therefore their wardrobes were in good hands.

Did I ever say thank you to Thor for the beaming technology? I did? Well, I said it again that day when I activated the little device that immediately beamed us up out of the house and straight into a safe room at the SGC.

And here we stayed. All of us.

Sigh.

"Jack?"

I dipped my newspaper down just enough to see him over the edge of the sports pages. "Yes, Daniel?"

"Has your hair always been that grey?"

If only he knew.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Carter had this oh-so-brilliant idea, the type that has her bouncing around like Energizer Bunny and sprouting the type of technobabble that would give Scotty a brain bleed. Simply put, for those of us not quite up to speed with Einstein's theory of whatever and the density of Nintendos, she decided to brighten up our VIP suites-come makeshift home by adding a holographic interface on one wall.

Eh?

"It's simple, sir," she said, virtually vibrating with the need to drown me in her intelligence. "We use the holographic technology Thor gave us to create an environmental simulation for Daniel and Vala."

"You want to stimulate them?"

"No… simulate not stimulate, thought that might work just as well. I want to install an interface in their play room that will give them a holographic representation of a selection of Earth's most fascinating places."

"You lost me back at the whole interface thingy."

She wanted to sigh theatrically… I could just tell. "You remember how Thor helped us to disprove Colson's alien conspiracy theory a few months back?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"Well, I'd like to use that same technology but apply it in a more practical application."

"Have Holo!Thor come to dinner, perhaps kidsit while I'm at meetings? Am I close?"

"Ah, no. Think of this as a giant screen television, but with a holographic component. Daniel and Vala will be able to interact with whatever environment we program into the device. In effect, it will allow them a modicum of access to the outside world without actually leaving the room."

"Carter, wouldn't it be cheaper to install a big screen and rent out a few docos? Perhaps get cable piped down here?"

"Yeah, but not nearly as cool."

Begrudgingly, I conceded the point and left Carter issuing orders to her staff about upgrading holo-emitter whatsies and whatnots.

And that was my first big mistake.

You see, I had an inkling about these kids; an impression that something just wasn't right. And there was nothing like an alien foothold situation to heighten my fears.

Queue the infirmary and the indomitable Doctor Lam. The woman scares the bejesus out of me on a good day, and not because she's got balls as big as Fraiser had.

"General."

"Doctor. What'd ya do with them?"

"Daniel and Vala?"

"No, Flossie and Freddie… of course Daniel and Vala."

Lam shot me down with a stare that would cut Ba'al to the quick. "They're in one of the isolation rooms with Nurse Johnson."

"Doing?"

"Heart surgery last time I checked."

"You know, your humor needs work."

"Really?" She flipped opened up Daniel's file and scribbled in some notes, not even bothering to catch the skunk-eye I'd carefully honed just for her. "I guess it must be a character trait on my mother's side."

"Hank not much of a comedian?"

"I really wouldn't know, sir."

"Ah, okay, so…" I waggled a finger at the folder. "Anything in there I should know about?"

She closed the folder and tucked it under her arm, pocketing her pen. "Daniel is a healthy six year old boy with an above average IQ. Vala, pretty much the same, though her IQ measures in the normal range. I can't find anything we need to be worried about."

"Except?"

"You're expecting more?"

"I'm expecting you to tell why both of them seem to have memories of their adult lives."

The perplexed look Lam tossed me was a worry. "You say that as though I've had some experience with physical and mental regression in the past. Doctor Fraiser's exhaustive notes on the downsizing incident with you and your clone notwithstanding-"

"Yeah, yeah," I wave off her impeding rehash of not so good times. "We all know how that turned out and I've still got the clone to prove it. And a t-shirt… got that, too."

"My point is that I don't have a comparable frame of reference to draw from here. They're not clones…"

"Nope."

"And my analysis of the liquid SG-1 brought back with them turned up no unusual properties that might explain their regression." Lam placed the folder down on the nearest bed and leaned against the side, ruining the perfectly tucked sheets. "I understand your concern, General, but I'm just not sure I can give you answers. Even in the rudimentary tests we conducted, we could see some clear evidence of prior understanding of basic concepts-and in Daniel's case, some very advanced ones-but there was no real reason I could come up with to explain this."

"What were the tests?"

"We sat them at a table each and placed in front of them objects their adult selves would have been familiar with. Daniel was given an Ancient tablet he'd been translating before the mission, and a copy of the Book of Origin. Vala was given several gold trinkets recovered from Glastonbury Tor, as well as some semi-precious gems and several harmless Goa'uld artifacts. The idea was to document what each child did with the items, taking in any physical and familial reactions."

"And?"

"And that's the odd part. Daniel clearly knew what he was doing. His whole demeanor changed from very child-like to a level of concentration that most adults struggle to reach and maintain. A trait his adult self was very adept at achieving. He not only translated parts of the tablet, but was able to read and understand several passages from the Book of Origin. I had one of his department members sit in on the exercise to verify the results."

"What about Vala?"

Lam smiled and tried to hold back a laugh. "Ah, well… she pocketed the gold and tried to sell the Goa'uld artifacts to one of the SF's. Nurse Johnson is still trying to recover the semi-precious jewels, but we're not exactly sure what she's done with those."

"Oy… What about the security cameras?"

"Checked those, but she's very good at slight of hand."

Off course she is. "So these two are basically kid-versions of their adult selves?"

Could have sworn she was going to say yes. "Umm… no. Well, they are and they aren't. They both show very child-like tendencies when not placed in a situation that would bring out their adult past lives. It's actually proving quite difficult to pinpoint which activities bring out these tendencies and which don't, given that both Daniel and Vala would retain memories of their original childhoods."

I have no idea what she was trying to say here. "Okay, you got me. Not a clue."

"Doctor Lam?"

It's all in the timing, and I plan on promoting the SF the moment my headache clears. Lam totally bamboozled me, which Carter would say was an easy thing to do on a good day.

The SF came to a screeching halt from his almost sprint into the room and tossed me a crisp salute. I was tempted to call him to ease before spraining something, but the salute was all the respect I was getting out of this guy.

"There's a problem in the isolation lab, ma'am."

"Daniel and Vala?"

Well, do'h… who else would it be?

"Nurse Johnson is requesting you join her there right away. She says we have an alien foothold situation."

And that, kids, is where my old knees and legs found their second wind and made like Bullseye towards the iso rooms.

~oOo~

Where were the alarms, the sirens, the heavily armed SFs bullying their way down the corridors yelling "Booyah" at the top of their lungs?

This was no typical alien foothold.

"Mine, mine, mine!" Vala was yelling screaming for all her worth, hands wrapped around Daniel's foot and pulling like crazy. Nurse Johnson, finding herself way out of her depth, was trying to wedge herself between Daniel and Vala without much success.

"Not yours!" Daniel's face was a picture of grim determination, his jaw set and firm, eyes intense and focused squarely on Vala. "Jack gave me these for my last birthday and you ain't getting them."

"Give them to me!"

The item or items, as the case was here, was a pair of socks I gave to Daniel only a few months ago for his birthday. They were a joke; something I'd discovered in a little Chinese market shop in the Springs on my last visit to the mountain. On one sock was a representation of Apophis, the other an image of Osiris. To an outsider they'd just be a pair of Egyptian-themed socks, but to us they were a reminder of past events, the irony being that we managed to walk all over both these Goa'uld. Feet, socks, walk all over them? We thought it was funny.

Lam, myself and the hapless SF filed into the iso lab and made a run for the gurney. Daniel was kicking Vala with one foot and fighting to free the other with both hands, grabbing wildly at her fingers in an attempt to unfurl them.

"Alien foothold?" Lam tossed at the SF, who simply shrugged and did an about face back to the door.

I came to his rescue by stating the obvious. "Sure! She's an alien and she's got hold of his foot!"

"As your queen, I demand you give me this sock!" Vala ground out, as Daniel grunted in surprise when she steeled her grip on his foot. Both kids were panting hard and struggling against each other, neither giving the other an inch.

"You ain't no queen! Let go of my sock before I kick you."

Seconds before Daniel could follow through on his promise, I lunged for him as Lam shoved Johnson out the way and grabbed Vala by the shoulders, forcing her backwards on the bed.

"That's enough!" she shouted at the top of her lungs, lips pursed and daring Vala to a verbal sparring match on the subject. "The socks belong to Daniel, much like the jewels belong to the SGC."

"No, no, you're wrong." Vala was all but crying, still struggling against Lam's vice-like grip. "Apophis and Osiris, they… they used to be allies… They'll kill anyone who defiles their likeness. The socks, they'll…"

"Oh, hell," I cursed. Reality packs a real punch when she's being pissed off, and right now she was in a foul mood with my kids. It wasn't fair, nothing ever was, but leaving two kids with adult memories the likes that these two had, well… that was just plain nasty. I couldn't attest for much of Vala's past, but Daniel's was almost an open book to me, and there was some stuff wrapped up in his chapters that none of us wanted rehashed.

I gathered Daniel into my arms and he immediately turned and hugged me around the neck, burying his head in my shoulder.

"Sorry, Jack," he hiccuped into my shirt. "I couldn't stop her. She saw my socks and went nuts!"

"It's okay. We'll sort this out, buddy."

~oOo~

The socks were consigned to the darkest recess of Teal'c's nightstand, the big guy reassuring Daniel he'd guard them with his life and make sure the Goa'uld never got possession of them. Though the reassurance was more for Vala, who was sure we'd all be hunted down for our insolence.

We spent the rest of the day in our quarters with me battling to get them to take a nap-a sure fire cure for frayed nerves and thoughts of impending Goa'uld slavery-but neither was in the mood to cooperate. Thankfully, Carter came to my rescue with her engineering team and a boat load of equipment.

"Is that the…" I tipped me head towards the wall on the far side of the playroom. "You know… that thing that does that… stuff."

Carter dazzled me with her patent "You're a doltz, General" smile and held up a small remote. "If you mean is this the holographic interface, then, yes, sir, it is."

Cool, because really, it just looked like one bad-ass HDTV with no screen.

"How does this amazing creation of yours work exactly?"

She pointed the remote at the device and pressed a button. Not so much as a hum, click or whirr, but the whole wall came alive with an explosion of color that quickly settled into some rainforest visa with birds circling overhead and the chitter-chatter of insects instantly annoying the heck out of me.

"Okay, now that's cool!"

"Thanks," Carter beamed like a proud mamma. "I've programmed the device with a wide variety of themes, all of which can be accessed through the remote. We've been fairly rigid with the selection, not programming in anything that might trigger unpleasant memories for Daniel and Vala."

"Right now, Carter, who the hell knows what triggers those two off."

Oy! Famous last words.

~oOo~

"Exactly how did this happen, General?"

So here we are again. The infirmary. Only this time, Vala has wrapped herself around my leg and is looking innocently up at me, as though I might blame her for Daniel laying bloodied and slightly concussed on the gurney.

"Can I blame Carter?" I ask half-heartedly, though knowing full well that she's probably harboring enough guilt without me telling the whole world.

Lam gives Nurse Johnson a nod to start cleaning Daniel up, and she moves in with one of her offsiders and a trolley load of gauze and disinfectant. Daniel's not going to be a happy camper tonight. "Does Colonel Carter have something to feel guilty about?"

"You tell me? What's the damage?"

"Well," she casts her gaze over to Daniel and smiles. Daniel, however, is sound asleep thanks to a very mild sedative Lam gave him to calm him down. "His nose isn't broken, thankfully, and the concussion is very mild, but I'd like to keep him here overnight for observation."

Damn! "Carter set up some interactive holo device in their play room to try and give them a feel of the outside world without actually going there."

"Sounds like a great idea. But?"

"But, I was too late to stop him running through the damn thing. One of the vistas was an underwater world and, for some insane reason, he took a running leap at the image and smashed into the wall behind."

"Why would he do that?"

"I have no idea."

Vala tugged at my trouser legs, begging my attention. "General Jack?"

"How about just Jack?"

"Okay," she said in a small voice. "Just Jack, Daniel said he needed to get out. Something about fish, fire, and sushi?"

"Sushi? Daniel hates sushi."

"Uh, huh, but he said he had to swim to the surface. Needed to find you."

Fish, fire, sushi. A memory from a mission many years ago is vying for my attention. "Nem," I said sourly. "He had to swim to the surface to escape from Nem."

"An old mission?" asks Lam. She's moved to the head of his bed and is carding her fingers through his short bangs, a motherly touch.

"Very old. First year SG-1 was a team."

"Well, whatever the details, the image obviously triggered a memory of that mission and he saw himself back at that time."

Yeah, I got that loud and clear, and Daniel got it in the face.

"I'll have Carter remove the interface."

"No, sir, I don't agree. If you can't risk taking Daniel and Vala out in public for fear of a repeat of what happened last time, then the holographic interface is probably the next best thing to providing them with some sort of normality. It's obviously not perfect, but it is the next best thing to them actually being outside."

"You're not worried about another repeat performance?" I sure as hell am.

"Not if there's someone with them while the device is operational. To be honest, we really have no control over what they remember, why and when. If we go around eliminating every possible trigger…"

"Then we might as well wrap them in cotton wool."

"Exactly."

TBC


End file.
